she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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