my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
