I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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