Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
