Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
