i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
