I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Randomize
