i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
