so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
