i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
