How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
