I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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