Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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