I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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