apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
