Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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