there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
