Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
