I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
