My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
