She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
