I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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