a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
