The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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