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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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