when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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