I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
