im holly from the hills drunk
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
