You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
