I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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