I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
