Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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