Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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