I intend to get homeless drunk
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
