Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
sarcasm needs its own font
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Mom said you looked used
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
