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Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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