Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
