When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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