Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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