hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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