Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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