I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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