Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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