If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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