I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
