he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
