I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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