I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
