hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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