Swine flu. Run for my life!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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