I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
