note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
