Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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