my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
