weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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