im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
