If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
