im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
