Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
