I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Still dying that you shit outside
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
