oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
