Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
